Shut up, settle down, and you all can have the antidote when the conference is over.

"A la tuhuelpa legria Macarena!
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena!
A la tuhuelpa legria Macarena,

Aaaaaaa, Macarena!!"

Rumsfeld found that hypnosis was the only way to get the Joint Chiefs to buy into his vision of the future role of the US Military in fighting the global war on terrorism.

Rumsfeld again misjudges his audience by using sign language to deliver a speech on defense policy to a crowd of blind partisans.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield, bored with the pedestrian nature of the questions at his news conference, practices his budding powers of mental telepathy by causing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to fall asleep as he stands at the podium beside him.

"Thank you, thank you so much. You're too kind. And, now, for my next number, Toccata and Fugue in D Minor."

"Imagine a string, held between my hands. That's the line, Helen, don't cross it. Or else."

"I will now make Peter Pace cluck like a chicken."

However, I am pleased to announce that we've put the $493 billion of taxpayers money to good use, developed invisible strings to go with the invisible puppet we built last year.

Look - it's dancing.

Oops. That should have been:

I am pleased to announce that we've put the $493 billion of taxpayers money to good use, developed invisible strings to go with the invisible puppet we built last year.

Look - it's dancing.

Hmmm, no, that wasn't right either. I need a good copy-editor. Maybe this time:

I am pleased to announce that we've put the $493 billion of taxpayers money to good use - we've developed invisible strings to go with the invisible puppet we built last year.

Look - it's dancing.

"There are not the hemorrhoids you are looking for."

Put 'em together and look what you've got...bippity boppety boo.

(do you remember that song from the old school Cinderella movie?)

Don Rumsfeld and Peter Pace square off against Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck (not pictured) in the Pentagon version of "Hungarian Rhapsody." Much hilarity ensued.

"I was positioned perfectly and struck the small of her back with a classic kung fu tiger claw thrust. Hillary's face has been frozen in the most hideous contorted expression ever since."

(yes it is for this weeks picture)

Helen Thomas: "Secretary Rumsfeld, how would you characterize your response to the 'Shark-like' danger that military spending has become to the federal deficit."
Donald Rumsfeld: "I think we're gonna need a bigger bloat."

Sec. Rumsfeld: "Oh, I know you keep saying that we'll never find WMD's in Iraq... New York Times said 'You'll never find..." Boston Globe reporter just the other day did it to; he said "You'll never find..."

You'll never find... hey that reminds me of that Barry White song... you know the one: "You'll never find.... (Bum bummmm budda bummmm)"

Chief Pace: "Uh, Mister Secretary, I believe that was actually Lou Rawls. Oh, uh, sorry, um... nice Air Piano, sir."

As a demonstration of his true power, Darth Rumsfeld prepares to unleash a round of "Force lightning" on the assembled members of the press.

After Donald Rumsfeld demonstrated his new hypnotic technique at a recent Pentagon briefing, the press reaction was unanimous: "I love it! Much better than Cats! I'm going to see it again and again!"

In a special news conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld indicates that the extra seven percent of next years budget will be used to train an elite unite of the Special Forces in the Wierding Way. "It works on terrorists, and moonbats alike. Watch as I simultaneously bend a single joint in my middle finger while using the Voice to approve the budget."

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace had tried and tried to tell Rumsfeld that using gang signs was a 'bad idea' when pitching this budget to the NAACP but it was to no avail as Rummy asked the crowd,"Who let the Pork out!"

"Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld entertains the crowd during a news conference at the Pentagon with his air-piano rendition of 'Stairway to Heaven' while Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace rocks on to his right."

Ok, General, I've put these press bozos in a trance. Have your men tie all their shoelaces together, then I'll wake them up and shout "fire!".

You do to the bathroom with the arthritis you have not the arthritis you wish you didn't have.

You go to the bathroom with the arthritis you have, not the arthritis you wish you didn't have.

"Ok minions, all together now...
Imhotep... imhotep... imhotep..."