Look, everyone, I'm going to be a contestant on "Survivor: Despot"!

Thanks for the enlightenment, Will.

"Ah, here it is on the back -- SCD (Single Cuban Dictator) seeks saucy wench of a Queen -- guess I should of proofed it better. No wonder Andrew Sullivan answered my personal."

"Peek-a-boo! Where is Fidel? Where is Fidel?"

1) Damn! And to think, I could have married an Arab princess. But instead I got this lousy island and a bunch of poor people.

2) Fidel thinking to himself: Did I remember to lock that treasure room in the basement?

1. Damn! This was such a good issue of "Dictator Today" that I cannot separate the pages.

2. Ah, the smell of it.

3. I love the smell of despots in the morning. Smells like...victory.

You see, Barbara, I am rich, more handsome than the Sheiks and I drink my tea properly. You must not refuse me again...

Fidel auditions for the part of Wilson in the recently announced Home Improvement: The Movie so he can add even more money to his offshore bank accounts.

How could I be wealthy? Have you seen my country lately?

Obviously the Numero Uno way to know you've made it is to be in Forbe's Who's Who of Kings, Queens, and Dictators, but what are the other nine ways.

10. You've Slept with Paris Hilton at the Paris Hilton
9. You really do have more money than even Forbes thinks you have.
8. Other Dictators avoid wearing Military Khaki's so they won't appear with the same clothing as you.
7. Whenever you say "OIL" the world price per barrel jumps
6. Your country has universal health care, (and the people have no freedom to complain about the service)
5. Whenever you say the word 'NUCLEAR' the world gets the hiccups
4. You have your picture in your Wallet, (On your currency)
3. You put a price on the head of your detractors (and you mean it, and can make good on it)
2. Donald Trump calls you up for advice

Fidel Castro blushes, hiding behind his magazine.
I luff theese contry! It has been so goot to me... I am reache man.

I know that the magazine is muffling your audio feeds, but seriouly I just had a anchovy pizza with onions and a load of garlic. Ok?...
By the way, steer clear of the "little Dictators room" too. I had asparagus last night.

"I've Come Along Way From The Days Of Killing Chickens In A New York City Hotel."

Guess who I am... Wrong! It was Earl Hindman. My turn again!

Crap, didn't see bullwinkle's entry.

Another: "Be honest, would a hijab make me look fat?"

Fidel Castro has not been the same in front of an audience since he fell flat on his face...He is shy.

CIA Operation: Scratch and Sniff II

During his visit to Tibet, actor David Carradine drew cheers from the crowd as he picked up the Barbecue and removed it from the Temple.